


It Starts, It Ends

by DoomedKelpie



Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: Bullying, Demons, Depression, Guns, Poetry, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:28:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 3,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25518067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoomedKelpie/pseuds/DoomedKelpie
Summary: I can't keep doing this. You'd think that, by now, I would have realized that I should just stay away from people. No matter what I do, I hurt them. And then they hurt me back.(Note: this fic is poem-based, but not entirely poetry)
Kudos: 38





	1. It Starts, It Ends

~It starts, it ends,  
And everything depends,  
On blood, on fate,  
And everybody’s hate.~

I can’t keep doing this. You’d think that, by now, I would have realized that I should just stay away from people. No matter what I do, I hurt them. And then they hurt me back. It happened when I was a kid too. Why did I think it would have turned out any different this time? The only difference is that, this time, I can’t say I’m not a demon because I know that I really am one.

~ I sob, I cry,  
And I want to die,  
I laugh, I hide it,  
And keep it a secret.~

I really did wish that it would have been different, though. For a while, I was so happy. I hardly even used the blade in my hand. I thought I would have been able to stop. I thought I would have been able to move on. Of course, I was just deluding myself. It’s funny. When Yukio told me to die, he had no clue how much I wanted to do just that.

~They scorn, they yell,  
And I can’t tell  
Who’s friend, who’s foe,  
And I will never know.~

Whenever I’m in the same room with them, they glare at me. I try to ignore it, but everywhere I turn, I see someone else glaring at me. Sometimes, they yell at me too. Yukio doesn’t say anything. Not that he should. He hates me just as much as they do, and I can’t really blame him. Well, I shouldn’t just say ‘they.’ Shiemi tried to apologize to me. She sits with me at lunch sometimes so I won’t be alone, but I mostly try to avoid her. Everyone else is right about me, after all. If I stay close to her, I’ll hurt her too. I can’t let that happen.

~I try, I do,  
And think I’ll get through,  
But there’s more hate, and then,  
I want to die again.~

I really try to act like I’m alright. I still smile, make jokes, act like an idiot. I don’t know why I keep up the act. No one would really care if I showed how I really feel. Hell, They’d probably be ecstatic. It’s always been like this. And it will never change.


	2. Regrets

~I can’t believe I said it.  
I want to take it back.  
It makes me feel terrible:  
My verbal attack.~

To this day, I wish I had never told Nii-san to die. Yes, I was mad, and I missed Father so much. I did blame Nii-san a little because Father died while trying to protect him and Nii-san had said something hurtful. Honestly, though, he didn’t know what would happen if he said it. Additionally, he was already hurting. Even if you forget about his life until that day, finding out Satan is your father is obviously a huge shock. It makes it even worse that he found out that we had all known and he was the only one left in the dark. I don’t think that excuses saying something hurtful, but no one can help saying things they don’t mean after having their entire life completely change in a matter of moments. 

~My very own brother,  
I told him to die.  
I gave him all the blame.  
Acted like he didn’t cry.~

The reason I became an exorcist in the first place was to protect Nii-san. I love him so much. Now that Father is dead, he’s my only family. After working so hard to protect him, how could I have been the one to hurt him? He acted like he was fine afterward, but I heard him crying when he thought I wasn’t around. He sounded so broken… And it was all my fault.

~I was mourning.  
I regret what I said.   
If I was thinking clearly,  
I’d never wish my brother dead.~

Now that everyone knows Nii-san is a demon, I hear him crying more and more. I don’t think he knows I can hear him, and I never let him know. I wish I could comfort him, but he always acts like he always has every time I try. Besides, I don’t think he’d listen to comfort from someone who hurt him so much.

~ Now I’m full of regret.  
I drove him to feel this way.  
I made my brother wish  
That he would fade away.~

I hoped that his new friends would make him stop crying. I hoped that they would be able to protect him even if I can’t. Clearly, though, they can’t help him either. I understand their fear if Satan, but I wish they noticed how these things affected him as well. He has to deal with the isolation of childhood, having Satan as a father, what I said to him, and now, he has to deal with being abandoned by his friends.

I’m outside our dorm room right now. He’s crying again. This, however, isn’t why I just felt as if my heart stopped. The reason my heart is now beating faster and faster… is what I just heard him say:

“I wish I could die…”


	3. Discovering Blood

~ I didn’t know he was so far gone.  
Now, I don’t know what to do,  
When I hear my older brother sob.  
It’s like my heart’s been ripped in two.~

I can’t believe this. My brother wants to die. I always thought that he was able to overcome his sorrows to an extent. How could I have been so stupid? I should have just comforted him every time I heard him cry, even if he pushed me away! Nii-san…

~I walk in to see the glint of a blade.  
Then I see all the red.  
He slashes the knife down his wrist,  
As he sits on his bed.~

I threw open the door. He was sitting on his bed with tears streaming down his cheeks. His eyes were red… And so was the blood dripping down his arms. In horror, I realized that Nii-san had a small knife in his hand. The cuts on his arms were… vertical.  
Oh my God…

~ He looks up as I rush to him.  
My heart breaks as he cries.  
But his wounds have started to heal,  
By the time I reach his side.~

Within moments, I was at his side. With some relief, I saw that his wounds were already starting to heal, so he wouldn’t die. However… that relief was quickly dashed when his sobs escalated.

“Yukio… Don’t hate me… Please… Don’t hate me… Don’t hate me…,” he cried.

~I don’t care if I get covered in blood,  
I hug my brother close to me.  
While he screams and wails,  
I comfort my brother silently.~

I grabbed him and pulled him into a tight hug. His blood soaked into my shirt, but I don’t care. 

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I’m sorry…,” Nii-san wails.

I tried to say something to help him, but to no avail. My words all got stuck in my throat. So, I just continue hugging him until his wounds are completely healed and his sobbing quiets down.

What have we done to him…?


	4. A New Secret

~ My biggest secret had been revealed,  
Though I continued telling lies.  
I locked away how I feel,  
And kept my thoughts buried deep inside.~

When Rin walked into the classroom with Yuki-chan, my heart froze for a moment. Rin looked like a complete mess, and Yuki-chan didn’t look much better. Rin wasn’t even trying to act like he was alright. Before he went to his desk, Yuki-chan whispered something into his ear.  
Rin… Did something happen? Or… Has he finally cracked under everything…? Rin, please be okay!  
As he walked to his seat, Rin tripped. Suguro smirked. My heart sank.

~ But they don’t know my new secret,  
That isn’t really new.  
I won’t ever tell it to them,  
So they can’t judge me for that too.~

As soon as the prep-school ended, Rin left as fast as he could. I heard Suguro click his tongue. Worried, I ran after Rin. I followed him until we ended up in front of his dorm. When he finally stopped running, I saw that tears were falling from his eyes. I walked over to him and touched his arm.  
“Rin, are you okay?” I asked softly.  
He jumped and spun toward me quickly.  
“…Shiemi…?” he sobbed.  
This was when I saw red. There were bleeding slashes on one of his arms. His fingernails on the opposite hand were bright red. My eyes widened.  
“Rin! You need to get that treated!” I yelled.  
“It’s okay, Shiemi. It’ll heal pretty fast…,” Rin replied while avoiding my eyes.  
“Why did you do that…?” I questioned.  
“…Sorry….,” Rin apologized, barely above a whisper.  
I didn’t understand. I looked closer at his arm and saw thin white lines crisscrossing all over his arms. Then, I knew exactly what had happened. I threw my arms around him.  
“Rin… E-Everything’s going to wor-work out, okay? The others j-just ha-haven’t realized that y-you’re still our f-friend,” I told him, starting to cry myself. “It’s g-going to be o-okay…”

~My brother’s already seen my scars,  
And I realized he didn’t hate me.  
But still, life is way too hard,  
Because I’m hated by almost everybody.~

A few minutes later, Yuki-chan arrived. As soon as he saw us, he clearly knew what happened. He sighed sadly as he led us inside

~Can I keep going on,  
If I have a few people on my side?  
But when so many always think I’m wrong,  
Hope is stolen from my mind.~

As Yuki-chan slowly made tea, I looked at Rin. He looked back at me with a sad smile on his face. For what seemed like the hundredth time today, my heart sank. Rin looked… resigned.   
He… He hasn’t given up, right…? He… He can’t…


	5. Listen!

~Why do they treat him like this?  
Can’t they see he’s afraid of THEM?  
It seemed like it was only yesterday,  
That we were all the best of friends.~

The next day, Rin hadn’t shown up for prep school, leaving his classmates to say whatever they wanted without him even knowing.  
“Hmph! He doesn’t even bother to show up to class!” Suguro complained. “Idiot! He pisses me off.”  
Yuki-chan glanced over sadly, but he didn’t say anything.   
Why do they all act like this…? Don’t they know how all this makes him feel…? I thought we were all friends, so how could they say such awful things…?

~ I tried to fix what I had done,  
But it’s not enough.  
For someone betrayed by far too many,  
Life will start to be too rough.~

“Is he even worth discussing, Bon? I’m trying to pay attention to the lesson,” Kamiki-san huffed.  
No… Don’t say those things! He’s your friend! He won’t be able to keep going with you all saying these things!  
“He’s terrifying…,” Konekomaru muttered fearfully  
Stop!  
“Yeah, those blue flames…,” Shima trailed off.  
STOP!  
“…stop…,” I whispered, too quiet for anyone to hear.  
STOP!!!!!!

~Just look at him!  
See the despair and hopelessness in his eyes!  
Listen to yourselves when you mock him!  
Hear his misery as he cries!~

“STOP IT!!!!!!” I finally yelled.  
Everyone turned to look at me, surprised.  
“DO YOU ALL HEAR WHAT YOU’RE SAYING?!?!?!” I screamed. “CAN’T YOU SEE WHAT YOU’RE DOING TO HIM?!?!?!? LOOK AT HIM! HONESTLY, CAN’T YOU SEE HOW MUCH THIS HURTS HIM?!?!?! LISTEN TO YOURSELVES!!!! HE’S YOUR FRIEND, NO MATTER WHO HIS FATHER IS!!!!! HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOUR FRIENDS ALL STARTED TREATING YOU LIKE GARBAGE BECAUSE OF YOUR PARENTS?!?!?!?!”

~ Why don’t you see what you’ve done?  
You’re killing him inside!  
Please, stop this before it escalates,  
Before he really dies!~

“HOW BLIND DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO NOT SEE HOW MISERABLE HE IS?!?!?!?!?!” I continued yelling. “ALL OF THIS IS KILLING HIM?!?!? DO YOU HAVE ANY CLUE WHAT HE’S BEEN DOING TO HIMSELF?!?!?! YOU ALL SIT HERE INSULTING HIM BECAUSE HE’S A DEMON, AND YOU’RE NO BETTER THAN THE DEMONS HE’S FOUGHT TO KEEP PEOPLE SAFE!!!!!!! IF YOU DON’T STOP THIS, HE’S GOING TO DIE!!!!!!”  
Everyone stared at me incredulously.   
“… You’re going to kill him…,” I cried, softer.  
As I started sobbing, the class stayed silent.  
Please… Stop… Don’t let him die…


	6. I'm So Terrified

~ I know that we’re hurting him,  
But I’m so terrified.  
Even though we once were friends,  
I can’t forget the Blue Night.~

Shiemi… She’s right… I know how much we’ve been hurting him since we found out he’s Satan’s son, but I couldn’t handle who he really is. Now, every time I see him, I think about the Blue Night and how I lost my parents. It terrifies me. 

~ I know that we’re hurting him,  
But I make excuses to stay away.  
Even though we once were friends,  
I’m terrified of his flames.~

It’s not even Rin himself that I’m terrified of. It’s his flames. I make excuses to stay away from him, and I say terrible things to him to try to keep him away. Really, though, if only I could be near him and not start comparing him with Satan, I wouldn’t act this way. But when I get near him, Satan id all I can think about, and it’s no longer Rin standing there, but Satan. It terrifies me.

~ I know that we’re hurting him,  
But I ignore what’s in his eyes.  
Even though we once were friends,  
I’m still so god damn terrified.~

I don’t know what Shiemi meant when she said Rin was doing something to himself, but whatever it is, it can’t be good. And whatever he’s doing, it’s our fault. His supposed ‘friends.’

~ I know that we’re hurting him,  
So I’ll make myself be brave.  
I can’t let my friend be destroyed by us,  
When he could have been saved.~

I can’t keep hurting him. Despite my fear, I still care about him. I have to overcome my terror. I can’t be part of his destruction.


	7. Are We Wrong?

~Isn’t he just a demon?  
One that told us lies?  
How are we supposed to trust HIM,  
When HE doesn’t even try?~

I get that we’re being cruel, but who cares? He’s a demon. He LIED to us. This whole time, he’s pretended to be our friend, when he’s really our enemy. If he was really our friend, he wouldn’t have hid that from us. Why should we trust him? He clearly didn’t trust us. He’s probably been planning how to kill us in the worst ways possible since day one. Kill Satan, my ass. He’s just gonna follow in his fucking father’s footsteps!

~Aren’t demons pure malice?  
Just like I’ve always learned?  
Are we wrong for being callous,  
When we can all be burned?~

Why am I even thinking about him trusting us? Demons are evil. They kill us. I’ve been told that my whole life. Practically every exorcist understands their true nature. Hell, even people that don’t see them know how evil they are. There’s no way we’re all wrong… right? Who cares if we treat a demon terribly? No one’s ever complains when an exorcist kills a demon, so why are we wrong for not even killing him? For God’s sake, he could have burned us at any time, and he still can! He’s dangerous!

~Is it wrong to keep my friends safe?  
Keep away the source of harm?  
Are we justified in our hate,  
When we now know what’s on his arms?~

I treat him like that to keep him away from my friends. My friends who DIDN’T betray us. I can’t let him hurt them. I’m not wrong… am I? I mean, I’m not completely convinced he isn’t evil, but… a part of me thinks Shiemi is right. I’m not blind. I see what he looks like now… but isn’t it just an act? It can’t actually hurt him. He’s a demon… but… Shit, who am I kidding. I’ve seen the scars on his arms before. I tried to pretend I didn’t know what they are, but Shiemi was definitely referring to those scars when she said he was doing something to himself. Shit…

~Are we wrong to treat him like this?  
To yell, to hate, to scorn?  
Are we the cause for his habit?  
I don’t know, I’m torn.~

Should we have treated him like that? My whole life, I’ve been taught that demons are evil. Is he an exception? Is he really evil? Fuck, I don’t know! Are we treating a demon how he deserves to be treated, or are we killing our friend? Fuck!


	8. A Step or a Slash

~ A step or a slash is all it’ll take,   
Even if I heal so fast.  
Just go too high or cut too deep,  
I’ll have peace at last.~

I don’t think I can take much more of this. What’s the point of living if this is how my life is? There isn’t one. I should just end it all. I know I heal quickly, but all I have to do is cut too deep, or jump from something too high, and I’ll be dead. I have a limit. If I go past it, I won’t be able to heal in time. I’ll be free.

~ I know I’m not invincible,  
Especially if I don’t fight to live.  
I’ve already made up my mind.  
My death will be the final gift I’ll give.~

I might appear to be strong, but I’m not invincible. I’m not even close. Really, dying isn’t that hard. I can sneak off alone, and be dead before anyone even notices I’m gone. Well, most of them wouldn’t notice at all. They’d be happy once they found out I died, and I’d be just as happy. So, why not kill myself?

~Would they like to see me bloody?  
Would it be better to overdose on pills?  
Perhaps I’ll simply ‘disappear.’  
Should I leave a note, my final will?~

Now I guess I’ll have to pick a way to go. Cutting? Overdose? Poison? Wait… I’m a demon, and my brother is an exorcist. He has countless things that are specifically made to kill things like me! That’s it! Speaking of Yukio, though… He and Shiemi would probably miss me… Should I leave them a note…? 

~I’m sorry to the few who care.  
Please try not to cry.  
I’ll miss you, but don’t worry.  
I’ll be happy once I die.~

I write a short note. I quickly fold it up and stick it in my pocket.  
I can’t let them find it before I’m already gone…


	9. Just Three Words

~A moonlit night,  
They’re all asleep,  
My final moments,  
Please don’t weep.~

It’s the middle of the night. I could see Yukio sleeping across the room. I watched him for a while. It’s the last time I see him, after all…  
I’m sorry, Yukio.

~ Take the gun,  
And slip outside,  
To the roof,  
Run and hide.~

I silently snuck out of bed and went to the place Yukio keeps his gun. Since he found out I cut myself, he’s been locking it in a small chest. With a sigh, I broke the lock. I took out the gun and left the room, shutting the door quietly. Then, I ran to the roof.

~Load a bullet,  
Meant for demons,  
Fitting for myself,  
My breathing’s uneven.~

I loaded a bullet into the gun. It’s the highest concentration of holy-water bullet Yukio has.   
I’ll end my life the way a demon’s life should end…  
My breath grew quicker.

~Gun to temple,  
Just three words,  
“Well, goodbye world,”  
SLAM! I heard.~

I raised the gun to my temple and took a deep breath.  
“Well, goodbye world,” I said softly.  
Just as I was about to pull the trigger, I heard a loud SLAM! behind me.


	10. I Have to Save Him!

~ I wake up to see an empty bed.  
Where’d my brother go?  
I notice the absence of my gun.  
Suddenly, now I know.~

I slowly woke, and I immediately felt like something was wrong. I turned toward Nii-san’s bed… and saw that he wasn’t there. My pulsed quickened.  
Where did he go…?  
I looked around and saw the chest where I’ve been keeping my gun. With dread, I noticed that the lock was open, and my gun was gone.  
Oh, God!

~I jump up in panic.  
Fear courses through my veins.  
I quickly start to search for him.  
Please, don’t let me be too late!~

I quickly jumped out of bed, knowing what Nii-san was planning to do. I dash out of our room and start searching for him.  
Please, Nii-san! Please don’t let me be too late!

~ Why can’t I find him?  
Where could he have gone?  
Then, from the stairs to the roof,  
I hear a quiet sob.~

I ran through the dormitory, checking every room, but to no avail.  
Why can’t I find him?!  
I kicked the wall in frustration and despair. As I started to renew my search, thinking he might have left the dorm, I passed the stairs. I immediately stopped. I had heard a sob coming from the roof.  
The roof!

~ I dash up the stairs to save him.  
I can’t let my brother become no more!  
I finally reach the top,  
And throw open the door.~

Wasting no time, I dash up the stairs.  
Please, I can’t lose him!  
After what seemed to be an eternity, I finally reached the top of the staircase. Without stopping, I threw open the door.


	11. It Ends, It Starts

~It ends, it starts,  
Can they fix my heart?  
A pin, a thread,  
Sew it together again.~

It’s been a week since… well, you know. This is the first time I’ve gone to the cram school since then. Yukio and I are standing outside the classroom door. I take a deep breath.  
I can do this…

~ A hope, a vow,  
They can show me how,  
To live, to breathe,  
And finally be happy.~

I push open the door. Cautiously, I look up slightly. My eyes widen immediately. Rather than the glares they normally look at me with, there’s… something else…  
Remorse…? No, that can’t be right…  
I quickly sit in my seat and stare at the board.  
Throughout class, I pretend to pay attention. However, they all keep sending me these weird glances. At one point, Shiemi reached over and squeezed my hand.  
What the hell is going on…?

~ A smile, a pat,  
I don’t want to go back,  
To death, to hate,  
Suicide won’t be my fate.~

As soon as class ended, everyone stood up. My heart sped up as they surrounded my desk. I clenched my eyes shut. Just when it felt like my heart was going to explode, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I hesitantly opened my eyes to see that Suguro’s hand was on my shoulder. Suddenly, everyone else added their hand as well. I looked into their eyes.  
“Rin…”

~I’ll try, I will,  
I won’t be killed,  
By words, by fear,  
I’ll stay right here!~

I looked at my arms. They were coated in a familiar red liquid.  
Why…? Things were getting better recently…  
I curled in on myself and started to sob. I kept crying until I felt arms wrap around me.  
“It’s okay, Nii-san…,” Yukio comforted.  
I continued to cry until I ran out of tears.  
“You’ll be okay, Nii-san. Everything’s going to be alright,” Yukio told me.  
Slowly I nodded.

~It’s a new beginning.~


End file.
